Be the First to Speak

This notion goes against one of the key rules I learned in sales “Whoever speaks first - loses.” so it almost feels counterintuitive to me . 

So where to begin here? 

I have spent a good chunk of my life not allowing myself to say things that needed to be said. In friendships, love, work, at the coffee shop. Pretty much in every area of life.

Some real life examples of things I have struggled to say in the past:

• saying I love you first
• telling a random stranger I love their outfit
• telling a friend to their face I how much I love and appreciate them 
• giving a friend some tough love when I think they may need to hear it
• telling a partner that I think our relationship could be better  
• telling a friend of a friend I think they have a beautiful smile 
• telling my amazing family I have been upset by them 
• telling a partner I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore 
• telling somebody that I don’t appreciate the way they have spoken to me

Now, if I’m being honest, even writing that made my palms start to sweat! 

As you can see, these things can range from seemingly insignificant to incredibly necessary and important, and they all require vulnerability.  

Some of these examples are things you can choose not to say, like “Wow, I really like your outfit!”.  Some of them need to be said eventually, like “I love you” or “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” 

Be the first to speak. 

I guess the nagging question here is, “Why should I be the first to speak?” when clearly in any relationship, it takes two to tango.

Great question.

Say there are years of unacknowledged hurt, buried in a semi-functioning relationship, or we believe something about our relationship could be better. Or we aren’t actually in a romantic relationship with someone, but we really want to be.

A few things come to mind as I ponder why we should be the first one to jump valiantly into the black abyss of horrible uncertainty…

First of all, time. Time is something we never ever, ever get back.

What are we waiting for?

“But it’s not fair!” could be an objection. “The other person is just as responsible, why not wait for them to speak up?”.

I do understand the feelings behind this.…

I believe a huge part of this process is having the courage to do what you need to do or say, for you to live the most true and beautiful life possible. Something that changed for me some time ago was coming to the realization that I am 100% in control of my own life*. If we wait for the person on the other side of this important conversation to speak, we could be waiting forever.  

By standing tall and speaking first, we risk:

• feeling judged 
• rejection 
• a horrible shame spiral
• absolutely messing up all the words and wanting to curl up in the foetal position (FYI can confirm, this one is often repairable)
• a change in the relationship, which could be positive or negative depending on the situation 

But what could we be missing in our lives if we decide to sit and wait? 

• the person of your dreams says they like you back
• you create a deeper connection that takes your relationships to the next level
• you get your friend back (this one has happened to me more times than I can count) 
• ridding your life of something or someone toxic 
• your friend or partner understands you better 
• you gain respect from everyone around you because you are a brave ass MF

And probably the biggest win of all? 

You acted on your inner knowing. You dug deep into your soul and dragged courage out by its feet; and you didn’t disappoint yourself. 

Time waits for no one.

So what could we do to help ourselves, today?  

***Absolutely NOT referring to health issues and things that we cannot control in our lives. For me this statement means being able to speak on my own behalf and say what I feel needs to be said.