Are we scared of what the answer might be?
Steve and I have been on a voyage to fine tune the skill of voicing the way we feel to each other. Of course we never get to the oasis of perfect communication – but we are improving.
Here are a few examples of how I use direct communication to help those around me deal with the carousel of emotions I experience in life.
- I’m in a quiet mood and aware I may look stern. “I’m feeling a little quiet this morning, but I’m very content and not upset about anything”
- Letting a friend know I appreciate them. “I just wanted to let you know, when we had that great conversation yesterday, it really made my day. Thanks again.”
- Coming home upset about something and dumping the days events on my poor unsuspecting partner . “I am feeling very frustrated by something that happened today, and I need to vent, but just so you know, my frustration is not directed at you.”
- Letting someone know when they’re doing something right – “When you do x y z for me, it makes me feel really happy/appreciated and special.” I find this one SUPER important! Positive reinforcement is more fun than constant correction.
- Explaining that I need some alone time – “I have a few things going on in my head today, I’m going to take a little space to try and work it out.”
- “I’m not in the right frame of mind to handle this conversation right now, do you mind if we circle back a little later so I can really listen to you?” I love to be in the right frame of mind to hold space for friends , so prefer this rather than giving them time when I’m not able to give them my best self.
I am hyper sensitive to other people’s emotions, and can be left feeling a little confused if I don’t understand why a person is acting a certain way around me, so I like to let others know in case they are wondering the same about me.
By letting someone know what is going on in your head, we take away the guessing game. After all, how can anyone know for sure? Have you ever felt that someone may be a little uncomfortable around you because of your mood? I’m sure we all have, and don’t think much of it, but consider what it might feel like to be on the other side of that.
I like to try and do regular self checks and assess my emotions; label them, and then if necessary(sometimes it isn’t) express why I feel that way to the person involved. Sometimes it involves them, sometimes not. But either way, now they understand my mood. It’s quite likely that when you start practicing this behaviour around your friends/partner, they may just jump onboard too.
Obviously this takes time and a lot of energy. For me its worth it, because I so appreciate when someone takes the time to be clear with me.
As Brené Brown says “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.”
Let’s be kind.
Member discussion