Dear Diary

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. My relationship has been going through a challenging growth period and this seems to have frozen my creativity into a giant ice block so to speak. However, Steve and I have cleared some hurdles, and today my fingers felt drawn to the keyboard; so here we are.

The holidays are often a time for me to take stock of the connections in my life, and reflect on the things and people I am grateful for. 

I feel so lucky to have an abundance of loving people in my life. People who have seen me go through some of my life’s biggest obstacles. People who have cried with me, laughed with me and listened to me when I really needed it. 

Today I reflect on where the richness in life really comes from. For me, it is so important to feel connected to those closest to me. As I write this I feel a hollow knot form in my stomach. I didn’t really show up for my family in the way I would’ve liked over Christmas. Through a combination of busyness and poorly managed time, I didn’t get to spend the time with them that I wanted to. I know this is a human mistake, but I still feel the sting of shame. I think sometimes it can be the ones we love the most, that can be the easiest to neglect…

I want to use this human mistake to keep strengthening my self awareness muscle. 

Do those closest to me know how I feel about them? Do they know for sure? How can I be sure? When was the last time I told them? 

Am I showing up as a good friend? Am I there for my friends when they need me? Is there a healthy back and forth in our conversations or am I dominating?

Who have I not checked in on in a while? Does that friend know I still love and care about them? 

Sometimes I forget to water our plants and it becomes obvious pretty quickly. Then I get upset that they are looking a bit sad and I wish I had remembered to water them. Sometimes I also forget to water my family or friendship gardens. This is not a mistake I want to make regularly. 

This might sound silly, but I do think of my friends and family like a garden. And my garden just so happens to be extremely beautiful and full of popping colour. But like any garden, it must be maintained. And while some flowers need more water and light than others, it’s also important not to forget about the ones that don’t ask for much. 

This garden is my life’s pride and joy, so how could I forget to maintain it? I try to remind myself to occasionally look in the mirror. I say my family and friends are the most important thing in my life, but do my actions match my intentions and words? Sometimes they don’t and that is something I want to try to be better at. 

On the flip side of this, at times I am at emotional capacity and I don’t feel I have the energy to give. This feels important to recognize also. If we don’t look after ourselves, looking out for others can become a sizable hurdle that we simply cannot, and perhaps should not, jump.

Something I have noticed becoming popular is to have ‘Celebration of Life’ ceremonies for people in their later years, before they have passed away. This is one of the best ideas I can think of. A chance for those closest to that person to express how much they mean to them, and have meant to them for their entire lives. That individual gets to personally experience some of the ways they have impacted others in their lifetime. What a precious gift. 

Thinking about this makes me want to tell my important people what they mean to me, regularly. 

Imagine if our opportunity to tell them got taken away; which it could. 

So let’s put our egos and inner critics to the side, and tell the people we love what they deserve to hear. What is in our hearts. 

Let’s continue to bravely remove our armour; and to love each other as much as our fierce hearts are able. 

Words are powerful, and wonderful. Let’s use them well.