Kickstarting the Discomfort

From my experience, one of the things that stops me (and I’ll go out on a limb here and guess it’s not just me) from having a tough conversation with someone…. is how the heck do you start it?!

Its hard enough to even consider bringing up a hackle raising issue, let alone if you don’t feel you possess the language to pull it off positively and successfully.

So here are my hot tips for some of those brutal, albeit necessary conversations we all “love”

Flashback – the deed has been done:

e.g.

• Your partner said something that upset you and its all you’ve been thinking about all day 
• You told someone you would go to their party and at the last minute decided a relaxing night at home seemed easier, even though you knew deep down your friend would be disappointed 
• A bunch of your good friends went for a day trip and didn’t invite you
• You made a snide comment to your friend because she looked incredible that day and you couldn’t deal, even though the comment didn’t feel nice or deserved  
• You feel resistant to your partner’s affection because they never seem to notice that one job you ALWAYS do and you wonder if they ever will

And the list goes on and on. 

One thing that makes raising any of these issues very difficult…..Is that you can – Very. Easily. Not!

The problem though, is when these niggly feelings get under your skin, it becomes very hard to ignore them. Not to mention, they can have a huge affect on the future of that relationship, and how you feel about that person. Until the issue is resolved, the space between you and that person can feel very tense. 

So either you can “ignore” what happened and live with the itch under your skin (which is how I generally spent the first 30 years of my life), or you can address it head on and take a step in the direction of personal power and freedom. 

So without further ado.

May I present. The moment we all love…. The dreaded; stomach twisting, anxiety inducing, ‘Uncomfortable Conversation’.

Because I find these dialogues so challenging (and thought others might too) I’ve put a few of my most commonly used conversational tools in writing, for your viewing pleasure. I find it helpful to count down from 3 or 5 before starting one of these babies up, and will often do that about 17 times before commencing.

So take a deep breath, brace yourself, and focus on the outcome. Here we go….

“I feel a little upset by something that happened between us earlier today, do you mind if we talk about it?” 

“There is something I need to talk to you about. It doesn’t feel nice for me to say this, but I was a little offended when *blah blah blah* happened the other day. I know you care about me a lot and possibly didn’t mean it that way, but l wanted to let you know, it did make me feel a bit upset. Would you be open to talking about it with me?”

“I was doing some jobs around the house yesterday and was wondering, does that make you feel appreciated and important to me? And if not, what does?” *a great one for learning how to express/ask for your needs to be met in a relationship.

“I need to apologize for a comment I made to you the other day. I was feeling a little triggered because you looked so great and I wasn’t feeling fantastic that day. My insecurities took over. I definitely don’t think that, and I hope you can accept my apology.”

“I know you have been under a lot of stress lately, and I really appreciate you and everything you put in to our relationship/friendship, but I can’t help feeling upset/angry/frustrated with x y z… Is there something we can do to work on this issue together?” 

Sentences like these focus on how you feel, rather than casting blame onto the other person, which usually causes a defensive reaction and becomes difficult to deal with. I like to try and keep these conversations as calm and productive as possible. This can be easier said than done, and definitely requires a lot of patience.

There is no doubt it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to have a conversation like this. And ultimately, the other person will choose how they are going to respond. But the real win is – you said the thing you needed to say – and that is an achievement in itself.

I find these get easier the more you practice. Not because the discomfort of starting them goes away, but because the respect you have for yourself grows. You know deep within yourself that you can and will do what you need to do to take care of yourself; to tend to your relationships, and your soul. 

I have experienced healing from conversations like these, months and even years after an event has happened. 

It’s never too late to take responsibility for your actions.

And it’s definitely never too late to start having your own back.