Overcoming the Judgement Monster

Can you think of a time you were reluctant to pursue something you really wanted for yourself, because you felt you might be judged negatively by somebody?

Or you felt that knot in your stomach from wondering what someone might be thinking about either you or your life choices?

The stories we build around what we believe others are thinking, can have a huge effect on us. 

I would like to share an experience with you from my earlier years, which felt extremely traumatic for me.

During the last year, I have found a way of reframing this experience, and somehow it has helped me to overcome the extreme anxiety I have felt around, let’s call it ‘fear of judgement’. 

In the 9th grade(if memory serves me correctly), I made the decision to join the debate team. This was an extracurricular activity. Looking back on this memory I ask myself: 

“Why the hell did I do that?” 

What made me think, having to speak in front of a group (not to mention think quickly on my feet to come up with a rebuttal) was a good idea? I believe the thoughts I have now are coloured from the many years of feeling terrified of public speaking that ensued; probably from this very experience! 

Something I find interesting is that I did, in fact, join the debate team. Which tells me that at the time, I thought this was a good idea.

So, I invite you to join me in this time machine; all the way back to the 9th grade. 

My memory of the lead up to the debate is hazy. I do remember I had a speech planned. I don’t believe I felt nervous during the preparation. I can recall walking into the strange classroom in a different school, where the debate was to take place. It was set up to have chairs at the front for the debating teams, and a stand or table between the chairs, where the sparring of opinions would take place. 

There were (what felt like to me) many chairs set up in the classroom for the members of the audience. I believe this was where the nerves started to set in: sweaty palms, accelerated heart rate, the whole shebang.

My Mum came to support me through this and wished me luck, then took her seat in the audience. 

Then...hellooo anxiety… I could feel it in my body. All of a sudden, I felt trapped. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I thought to myself:

“What have I done?” 

The other debaters arrived, and my team and I took our seats and waited to be introduced by the chairperson.

I don’t remember the timeline of events during the debate, but I remember hearing my name called, inviting me to speak. 

Suddenly a powerful force of dread saturated my body.

“I can’t do this, I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this.”

The room was silent, full of solemn faces. The only sound being my chair screeching on the floor as I slowly pushed it back and stood up. 

I walked to the front and meekly looked down at my notes, trying desperately to find the courage to give my speech. I looked to my Mum for encouragement. She was surrounded by stern faces, and this became the overpowering energy. I started to cry. The whole room was so silent. I wanted to run away, but felt I couldn’t. So I just stood there; fighting the urge to crumple to the floor and let the shame take me. I stumbled through my speech, whilst the tears streamed down my hot cheeks. I felt no sympathy from the lifeless faces in the audience, even though I’m sure that was not the truth. 

I wonder to myself now, where this fear came from? I can’t quite put my finger on it; but it was there. The room felt coated in it.

Some time ago, I gave myself an opportunity to rewrite this experience, and the result has been quite impactful. 

In my new memory, the same nerves are there; I stand at the front of the room drenched in anxiety. I look at the audience through teary eyes, preparing to speak; but instead of being met with stony faces, the room comes to life! The people are smiling and clapping, and cheering for me! 

“Go Hannah!! You can do it!! You’ve got this!”. 

I feel confidence surging through my body. I feel no judgement. Nobody cares about my tears, they see me as human; they want me to succeed! 

I deliver my speech and sit down, with the excitement coursing through my veins. 

“I did it!”

Somehow, this new way of thinking about that traumatic moment has led me to different feelings surrounding my anxiety and fear of judgement. 

Anxiety, and fear about what others may think, has stopped me from doing so many things in life; it really can be a life crushing force. 

I have decided my newfound mantra is:

“What if, instead of judging me…everyone is actually cheering for me?” 

This may sound a little silly. After all, are people really cheering for us all the time? Probably not; but I also doubt they are being as unkind and judgemental in their thoughts as we believe them to be. 

Looking at life through this new lens has opened up a child-like curiosity in me. I feel less afraid to fail, and more inclined to try new things, and to squeeze every drop of goodness I can out of life. 

I am in no way saying I am now impervious to judgement, anxiety and shame; but it does affect me less. 

Life is too short to be encaged by the opinions and beliefs of those who are not on the same trajectory as we are.

Let’s free ourselves, and instead, look inwards to know what is right for us. 

Let’s believe in ourselves.

Let’s fuel our curiosity and creativity. 

Let’s remove that glass ceiling; and instead, shoot for the fucking stars.

My Mum(Lesley) and I in a beautiful Queensland rainforest.