The Truth of the Matter

Recently I was thinking about how my blog could be interpreted by people who don’t know me well, or who don’t have a deeper understanding of my relationship.

One of the biggest fears I had when putting this blog out into the world was that my writing would come across as a good serve of advice; and I’m sorry if it does.

My wish is to simply share my story, including not only the bright growth moments, but also the times when the train comes close to derailing. Because to me, that is real life. 

Whilst writing, I am often referring to my partner Steve and I, “working through an issue”, or discussing the tools we use to help make our relationship better. To be authentic about this though, I feel I have to share the reality of our relationship...

The truth is… our relationship takes a lot of energy and has a lot of ups and downs. It may seem from the outside that we are getting it right a lot of the time. That we are meeting each other’s needs, and expressing ourselves in a healthy way (and it certainly can be this way), but the road has been long in getting here, and it is still very much a work in progress. 

There have been a lot of different stressors in our relationship, and I am still learning every day how to deal with some of the things that life throws at you. I have spoken to Steve in ways I am ashamed of. I have withdrawn: shut down, protested, and taken up many unhealthy habits in order to help myself through times when I struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

One thing that Steve and I have always shared is the unfailing desire to learn and grow, and this has helped us through some blustery seasons. 

I want to share my writing because I have always appreciated when somebody shares something with me that is very personal to them. I believe it gives others, including myself, the space to share and be vulnerable. It takes a lot of trust, and courage for a person to tell you how they actually feel. 

A lot of the joy and connection in my life comes from conversations like these.

I guess the reason for this post is to say, I want to share my writing because I have made so many mistakes in my life, and at times I have royally fucked things up. I have learned some big lessons from my mistakes, and if that could somehow help somebody else feel less alone, or highlight a path they may not have seen; that would make me happy. 

For a large portion of my life I have struggled with:

• Knowing how I feel.
• Expressing how I feel.
• Having any kind of agency.
• Having ANY KIND OF HARD CONVERSATION!
• Complimenting somebody.
• Taking a compliment.
• Taking ownership of my words and actions.
• Standing up for myself.
• Protecting myself. 
• Accepting myself. 
• Celebrating myself.
• Being proud of myself.

Writing this actually makes me feel emotional because I can see how far I have come. My past self wouldn’t have believed these changes could be a achievable for a person like me… 

It is very hard to see yourself growing. We are like plants or children. You don’t really see them growing, you just notice that they have grown. 

I share my struggles because I didn’t think my life could be different. But it really is now. I have spent a lot of time thinking about ways that I am not enough… But what if I am enough? 

My wish for us all, is that we can accept and embrace ourselves with the love and compassion that we all have within us.

Because the world deserves to see me, and it deserves to see you, too.