What To Do With That Pebble in Your Shoe?

One of the many challenges of being in a relationship is living with a person, who is different to you; possibly in many ways. 

They probably have: 

- Their own opinions 

- Their own unique mannerisms 

- A certain way they like things done 

- A certain time of day they prefer to have sex

They might love getting things done straight away, whilst you procrastinate. Perhaps they have a lot of friends they like to see, and you have just a few special people.  When looking at some of these differences, it is easy to see how some issues can arise in relationships. We are all human, and sometimes we do things that annoy each other.

Being in a relationship means constant consideration of another person who is different to you. One of the easiest ways to derail a great relationship in my experience, is to either ignore, or poorly communicate how you feel about those vexatious little annoyances that surface from time to time.

Bringing up little issues can feel very petty, and is often rather uncomfortable. It’s much easier to feel angry and resentful toward our significant other. That way we can blame them for making us feel that way. Zing!

My wish though, is to take away the opportunity to use my partner as an outlet for my irritation. 

So instead, let’s take the proverbial bull by the horns. 

The problem with letting these little issues slide, is that they don’t go away. In fact they build, and build; and build. So what starts as a small issue, that can possibly be cleared in one minor conversation, can become a much bigger issue 6 months down the track. One of the big game changers in my relationship has been learning to tackle these molehills, before they turn into mountains. 

I believe the importance of having the right intentions in this situation is paramount. If you start this conversation with a blaming mentality, this will almost never go well. When we approach an issue from a loving place, with the intention of cultivating an environment of safety, growth and curiosity, it allows our partner to express themselves in a way that leads to steps in the right direction. 

Let’s flip the perspective for a sec:

- Is my partner considering me? 

- Is my happiness important to them? 

- Are they trying to be helpful toward me with their actions?

How would your partner likely answer these questions? 

Now, I’m not suggesting you absolve your partner of all wrongdoing here. None of us are perfect, and we all get on each other’s nerves sometimes. I find asking these questions reminds me that my partner may be trying his best in many areas and this is only a small hiccup. It also reminds me that I too play a part in this scenario; which helps me to stay calm, and be patient. 

Tackling small issues can keep the big issues largely at bay. 

I'm going to use a personal example of Steve and I working through a small issue.

Let me set the scene:

Steve and I have spent the night in, making dinner together and watching a movie. It’s getting late and I am the kind of person that hits a wall in the evening. When my body decides its bedtime, that means it is bedtime NOW, or in the next 5 minutes at least. Otherwise, I fall asleep wherever I am. This time has come, so I head off to start my bedtime routine. As I walk past the kitchen, I notice a few things on the counter, but nothing I deem too concerning. So I carry on to the bathroom. Whilst I am brushing my teeth and putting on my night creme (#30s), I hear Steve making some disgruntled noises in the kitchen. 

I have 2 choices here.

I can ignore these telltale sounds (I am very tired after all) and head to bed, or I can investigate further. A thought I could have might be “I’m sure whatever is bothering him will be fine by the morning. After all the kitchen is reasonably clean, what could he be so upset about?” And this could be true. He might even be upset about something unrelated. But you don’t know until you know.

*I walk back into the kitchen as Steve is wiping the counter.

H - “Hi baby, is everything ok?” (Now Steve and I, have an agreement between us built on trust. If one of us asks the other if everything is ok, and everything is in fact not ok, we trust each other to tell the truth. Even if it’s hard).

*I hold my breath and wait…Steve looks upset. 

S - “Well, I just feel a little frustrated. I’m tired and want to go to bed but I like the kitchen to be tidy before bedtime. I guess it’s just frustrating having to do it all on my own.” 

Ok, he is upset. I need more Information to understand.

H - “I’m sorry if you felt like I left it all to you. I didn’t realize there was lots of things left to do. It seems we may have different standards on what a clean kitchen looks like before bed. How can we tackle this better in the future so you aren’t left doing all the last minute jobs?” 

First off, I notice Steve’s body language change. He softens towards me as he can see I understand why he is upset, and that I want to help work out a solution. 

*He thinks for a minute H - “What if, before I go to bed we check the kitchen together and I say something like” - “What can you see here that still needs to be done?” - “That way, even if I didn’t think it was a problem, it gives you the opportunity to tell me what you’re not happy with. Then you won’t feel like you are left with all the work.”

Steve fully relaxes and breathes a sigh of relief. I can see I have found the sweet spot.

“Oh that would be so helpful, thank you so much for understanding. I actually feel so much better about this already. Thanks for taking the time to ask me if I was ok.” 

Now this is the reverse of the situation in that I sought him out regarding the issue he had with me, but it has the same kind of effect.

Say I had gone to bed that night without checking on Steve. And repeated that, the next night, and the next night. Every night I would be thinking the kitchen was left in a reasonable state, and would have slept peacefully. Steve, on the other hand, would continue to begrudgingly tidy the last of what was left in the kitchen and then head to bed feeling a little resentful towards me.  By taking the time to tell your partner what is bothering you, you could be saving your relationship miles, on your next big service. 

Letting these little pebbles continue to stay in your shoe can lead to catastrophic injury down the road. Removing them on the spot of course, takes a little extra time and energy, but the rewards that build as you go, can be enticingly worthwhile. 

Better communication, more understanding; less irritation, less frustration. 

Let’s continue to learn to love each other better.